As well as a bog standard Looky Where I’ve Been travel blog with which to bore my friends and family these pages serve as kind of a diary, sort of something to show the kids when I’m older. By kids or course I actually mean cats which will I shall refer to as “my children” in a creepy Wicked Witch Of The West type voice and they shall follow me around my house at the end of the road that all the local kids avoid because it belongs to the Mad Cat Lady who mutters to herself and smells faintly of pee.

Anyway.

Basically it means that sometimes, just sometimes, you end up with bollocks like the following.

While I was holed up in the back of my car last night in the howling wind and pissing rain I was overcome by a gut wrenching lonliness. It really hit me that once I’d gotten back to Auckland I’d be starting again from absolute scratch. One day I was going back to my girl and a life and I was looking forward to settling down for a year with her in town, building a life together and the next day I had nothing. I’d spent all my time with Kama and hadn’t spent time meeting people, making friends, the usual things you do when you get to a new place.

I could count my mates on two hands and most of them would be gone by the time I got back, the backpackers having flown back to their respective countries, the locals moving on with their lives with plans of their own to travel or move overseas. But ya know what? I’ve started from scratch so many times I’m sure I can do it again. I just wasn’t expecting it.

I wasn’t expecting the break up and I think this is why I’m finding it so hard. Every other girl I’ve got involved with since I left England, we’ve known from the outset exactly when it would end. As strongly as I felt about Toni we always knew we’d just be ships passing in the night, I never even expected to see her again in Alice Springs. Even with Irma, she was always going to leave and we knew exactly when, it was hard but we were prepared for it. I was prepared for it. As for Emma, after two and a half years together the relationship had run its course, even though I wasn’t expecting it it was welcome, we’d had our time together and the break up was relatively easy.
When Kama finished us it was so sudden and even though we weren’t getting on it was so unexpected, I’m really struggling to let it go because there was no attempt from her to talk about it, to try and resolve it, there was no closure. Yes, we’re opposites but don’t opposites attract? Couldn’t we have worked on it, created common ground, found things we both enjoy then enjoy them even more because we can do them together? Not according to her, she flicked a switch and got over it, got over us and that’s that. I wish I could do that. I wish I could love someone with all my heart one minute then the next just switch it off because it isn’t convenient anymore.

A couple of days after it was over we were on MSN and I asked her if she still loved me and her answer, which while it was crushing was probably what I needed to hear was simply, “No. I do not love you anymore.” I say I needed to hear it, I guess it eradicated any hope of getting back together, at least it should have done but I think with my heart in situations like this, not my head. What makes it harder for me is the fact that I’m going back to Auckland regardless. Yeah I know I don’t have to but I love it there and like I say, I might not know many people there but the ones I do know are fantastic, its quality, not quantity that matters, right?

Getting over someone is like picking a scab. I know I should just leave it, sever all contact, don’t call or text or Facebook her and things would heal so much quicker and I might even retain a scrap of whatever passes as dignity in situations like these. But I can’t just do that, I just have to torture myself, pick at that scab, get a painful result I didn’t want leaving the wound fresh and bleeding and totally destroying the healing process.

I should just have my fucking phone taken off me.